I’m Afraid My Husband is Not Being Faithful

13 Comments February 21, 2012 in Marriage, Married Single Moms and Christian Life

One of the great fears for women whose husbands travel a lot is in the area of fidelity.

Is he really being faithful?

This is a struggle for so many women I hear from, and I know it was a struggle for me as well.

In this day and age it is so very, very easy for a man (or a woman for that matter) to be sexually unfaithful. (Emotional unfaithfulness is also a common issue.)

I'm Afraid My Husband is Not Being Faithful - Carla Anne Coroy - office romance woman showing off leg by propping on man's desk

His hotel room will have a TV with access to any number of X-rated shows, adult-only viewing, and porn. If he isn’t watching it there, it’s easy enough for him to get it on his laptop or hand-held internet device. Today his iPod, iPad, Android, cellphone, etc. is with him wherever he is, making porn literally as close as a thumb-click away.

Many wives, whose husbands tend to travel to the same location over and over, begin to fear that he has a mistress on the other end.

As women we look for clues – lipstick marks, scents of perfume we don’t recognize, texts, emails and calls from women, charges on the credit card and so on. We know what we look for. Sometimes we are even brave enough (or afraid enough) to ask him directly.

Temptation knocks at their door

Recently I had a conversation with a man who, for many years, was the Director of Transport for Christ here in Manitoba, Canada. He was a long-distance truck driver. On one of his trips he took his wife along to keep him company and to show her the road.

They stopped for the night at a truck stop and she headed into the sleeper to get ready for bed. But he interrupted her and asked her to come back into the cab to watch what would happen.

As she moved to join him in the cab she noticed a lady-of-the-night approaching her husband’s door. Catching a glimpse of another woman in the cab she turned on her heel. She went directly to the next truck, knocked on the door and was given entrance. His wife was shocked! He told her to wait with him and watch.

After about 20 minutes the “night worker” left that truck and knocked on the next truck’s door and was let in again. She continued this along the line of trucks, going in wherever a man would let her.

This man’s wife finished that trip with a stronger sense of her role at home while he was gone, and how she could best help him.

Some men are faithful

Not all truckers open the door. Not all pilots sleep with other flight crew. Not all executives sleep with their secretaries. I know the movies want you to think they do, but it’s not true. Some do. And some don’t.

Yes the temptations are a tempest around our husbands. That does not mean they are succumbing. You need to remember that.

But let me assure you of this: The devil wants your husband to have an affair or to be sexually unfaithful to you. He wants to ruin your marriage and put an end to what God called good.

You and your husband must fight this.

What is my role in this?

As a wife, your role is to encourage your husband to be the man and father God created him to be, always leaving room in the family for him to join again when he comes home. That means you need to encourage him to be faithfully pure.

How? Here are a few ways:

Pray for him. Pray specifically against sexual infidelity. Pray for his emotional faithfulness. Pray that he would choose to be a man of purity.

Pray for yourself. God alone can protect you from the fears that Satan wants to tear you apart with. Spend time with the Lord asking Him to speak truth to your heart about this situation. Ask Him to give you a heart of trust toward your husband.

Understand and know him. Ask him when the most tempting times of day are. Pray for him during those times. Call him on the phone during those times if at all possible. Know what he needs from you while he is gone so that he can more easily withstand the temptations.

I'm Afraid My Husband is Not Being Faithful - Carla Anne Coroy - Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex book cover

Make great sex a part of your life while he is at home. This is tough for many of us. He is hardly home enough to make it feel like we can emotionally connect with him, yet we need that emotional connection to have great sex.

Sheila Wray-Gregoire has a series going on right now over at her blog as part of her pre-launch for her soon-to-be-released book called The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. She’s a Christian author who talks a lot about how to make sex great within a Christian marriage. You may find some of what she says helpful.

When our husband’s sexual needs are fulfilled regularly at home he is less likely to be lured by lustful thoughts and wayward women. Having great sex won’t guarantee his faithfulness, but if he knows where he’s got it good, he’s going to want to preserve that!

Think about and Plan your response. I know it sounds crazy. But I’m going to give you 2 pieces of advice that seem to contradict each other.

Number 1: Think about and choose to believe in his covenant with you and God. He said he would be faithful, so believe that (unless of course he says otherwise).

Number 2: Begin to pray and plan for forgiveness. Your husband may never slip and fall in this area of fidelity. Many men stay faithful. Most husbands will fail in one regard at least once during their married lives – usually in the area of porn, or even masturbating while fantasizing or lusting after another woman. His sin does not determine your ability to have a good marriage. Your ability to forgive him along with his commitment to repent from that sin is what makes the difference. You can’t make his commitment for him, but you can work on preparing your heart to forgive.

Preparing to forgive

Some of you are upset right now with my words. WHAT!?!? You want me to FORGIVE the man!?!? Didn’t God say I could divorce him?

Yes. God did say that. But he didn’t say you could hold on to a grudge.

You still have to forgive him.

Also, God didn’t ever say that unfaithfulness meant you had to divorce. God hates divorces. It seems to me that God would much rather we choose to pursue Him, His strength, His love and forgiveness, and His power – all things which hold firm in the midst of betrayal.

Because God demands us to forgive whether we get a divorce or not, preparing ahead of time to be as gracious, understanding and willing to forgive as possible is to your great benefit. You may find it also improves your ability to grow a strong, vibrant, mature love in your marriage (whether or not infidelity ever occurs). be much more likely chance to grow a stronger, newer, more mature love with His help.

Trust in God conquers fear

Do we need to fear our husbands’ infidelity? No.

We need to do what we can to face the truth. We should be proactive in any way we can.

Then we need to lean on the Lord with all we are. And in Him we should prepare to offer grace and forgiveness if ever it is asked of us.

I’m sorry I can’t promise you that your husband will always be faithful. What I can promise is this: whether your husband remains faithful forever, or someday stumbles, God is trustworthy. He can be your strength, your strong tower and your everlasting hope to face whatever may come.

13 comments so far Uncovering God’s Hope in Everyday Life

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  1. Great post, Carla! And thanks for the link.

    I’ve heard similar things from truckers. It’s amazing how many women “work” at truck stops. But it’s really the hotels that are the problem. I was once stuck in the Chicago airport for an extended time by the baggage claim area as they tried to find my luggage that had gone missing (as had a bunch of other people’s). I was just calmly waiting, but several men started conversations and got friendly and obviously wanted it to go further. It’s hard when you’re away, and we do need to uphold our men in prayer!

    • Carla Anne says:

      It’s true. There are temptations everywhere! For men and for women. Hotels are hard, for sure. I’ve heard of mining camps, oil rigs, etc – really any place where a man is without his wife can be a place of temptation. And there are many out there who are willing to share a moment in bed with my man… so my job at home while he is gone is definitely prayer!

  2. Lori says:

    I have been married over 31 years and my husband travels a lot. He wants me to keep him accountable so I ask him every morning, even when he is at home, if there was even a hint. He wants to walk in purity and holiness and having someone to be held accountable to is very important. He holds me accountable for things, like my weight, so we help each other in our struggles in life. It has been a very good thing for both of us. Great post! I am going to start following your blog…You are a great writer with good content. I love any blog that encourages good marriages!

  3. April says:

    Thanks for your blog and especially for the part of forgiveness because it is so TRUE! I have had to forgive for infidelity and my husband continues to travel. We have come a LONG way and what you prescribe is exactly what it takes. Prayer, good sex, good communication and forgiveness. 15 years into this I am still grateful for a husband that works so hard for us and does love us and I was reminded that I have to stand up for my family while he is away.

  4. My husband has recently started working contract work at a local factory (he was recently laid off from his job). I have been fearful of his late hours. This post has been very helpful.
    I will also say that I go and eat dinner with him at least once a week (he works from 1-11pm) He told me about a woman who lives just down the street who “does favors” for the guys when they go on break. He said she has even yelled at him while at the drive thru at the local Wendy’s, asking if he needed company. Just the fact that he shared this with me helped me to have more trust in him. I will definitely be in prayer more about this fear I have.
    Thank you for this post!

  5. Katie Did says:

    I don’t fear that my husband will have an affair while he travels, but I do fear and KNOW that he is struggling with the sexuality the entertainment industry has to offer while away from home and I know what his coworkers text him. What’s more is that the temptations hound ME, too! The Enemy is so keen on destroying the marriage bed. Don’t let him! If your husband is visually unfaithful (even watching Rated-R movies chock full of sex and nudity…..Game of Thrones needs to rot in a dark corner of hell!!) and it eats you up, don’t crumble and let the enemy win. PRAY for him! Pray pray pray! Pray for your marriage. Pray for your marriage bed. Pray that he’ll have courage to tell his coworkers to stop sending him porn on his phone. PRAY!

    • Carla Anne says:

      Katie Did, it’s true. Prayer is so crucial in protecting the marriage bed. And the affair of the mind is just as bad – if not worse – than a physical relationship with another woman. I don’t want to rate them differently, but the porn issue can seem so ‘okay’ when really it undermines everything beautiful about marital sexual intimacy.

  6. enza says:

    Dear Carla, I want to Thank you… for your Blog…I’m glad i was able to find it…Like many others my husband has a job that could bring him to temptations… I’ve been encounter with the possiablity of unfaithfulness…I would always prayer and at times I have given up.. but your blog has help me with my fear… I will continue to PRAY…that our marriage will be protect from this crazy temptation…..and that God will help me to have courage and to believe in my husband…

    • Carla Anne says:

      enza, Thank you for your comment and welcome to the blog! Thank you for praying for your marriage, I know that your family and marriage will be blessed by your prayers!

  7. Tolu says:

    Thank you too. Have been blessed.

  8. Bintu F says:

    Thanks for the advice, my husband is a cheat with no respect! I was thinking of divorce, oh no my kids are still Young Then i though of having an affair to pay him back, i stumbled to your site via FB and i Read a few text on marriage and divorce and later this one. I changed my mind by the grace of God, i’ll try and forgive him and try your advices. God bless. Bintu

  9. Th says:

    Oh boy! Been dealing with this stuff for years! My husbands traveled for years been into porn and strip clubs for years. We’ve been to counseling several times, swears he isn’t anymore but I’ve come to trust in The Lord that he has a plan for us and someday my husband will face his deamons. Prayer is the only thing that gets me through the long night he’s away. Going again this week, pray for us as I still love my husband very much.

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