Not-Having-Sex is not a Terminal Illness

7 Comments April 19, 2012 in Marriage, Married Single Moms, Christian Life, Women and Teen Girls

There seems to be a belief in our culture that everyone needs to have sex, and that sex is the be-all and end-all of life.

That’s just not true.

I may step on toes here… but hear me out.

Sex is for marriage

Before we are married God says not to have sex. Sex is only to be enjoyed with the context of marriage between one man and one wife. That’s it.

So if you are not married – no sex. Simple.

Don’t let the tabloids in the supermarket lane fool you. Based on all they publish you might think sex is the only thing that can make you happy, and the only ingredient to a happy marriage.


Sex is important for marriage, but it is not the only necessary ingredient.

What if you have same-sex attraction?

So what about those who are sexually attracted to the same gender? (Yes… I know… not a politically-correct subject. But I want you to know the truth.)

Let’s just say that you do have a physical, sexual attraction to someone of the same sex. Without going into how you got ‘that way’, let’s look at it seriously.

Our culture says… well, if you have that attraction then you must be gay or lesbian, and therefore you must fill your sexual need with someone of the same sex. The argument is made… ‘I was born with same-sex attraction so I need to meet that need. God must be okay with it. He made me, right?’

Listen… Yes, God made you. And I don’t care whether you view yourself as homosexual or heterosexual or something else, the Bible says NO SEX before marriage, or outside of marriage. It’s not about the sexual orientation you’re experiencing, whatever the intensity of that experience. God created sex for the context of a man and woman in marriage, and outside of that context it is sinful and destructive.

You could be dealing with same-sex attractions. But there is no acceptable place for same-sex sexual relations. What do you do with that? If you choose to marry (someone of the opposite gender), you can have sex. Otherwise, no sex.

You could be a heterosexual with sexual feelings stronger than anything that exists… But you’re not married. Maybe you just can’t seem to find that right person. What do you do with that? No sex.


Abstinence is OK

Not-Having-Sex is not a Terminal Illness - Carla Anne Coroy - no sex

Here’s a statement that scrapes hard against the grain of our culture today: There is absolutely nothing wrong with being abstinent.

It’s not a disease.

It’s not a punishment.

You won’t die if you don’t have sex.

That’s the truth.

Sex in Marriage

Once you are married, sex is on the menu. And greatly encouraged! It is an integral part of married life.

Ideally a man and a wife both love having sex and they enjoy each other regularly with a passion that takes them to the stars and back.

And that doesn’t always happen.

Usually one of them – sometimes him, sometimes her – has a stronger sex drive. That one usually feels like there’s not enough sex in the marriage. The other one feels pressure to have sex more often than they would normally prefer.

Sometimes things get out of hand and one of the spouses refuses to fulfill their marital privilege and duty of having sex. They lose out. Their spouse loses out. It is truly sad when that happens… but it happens a lot more than you think it might.

That’s often when the excuses start…

I have to look at porn, my wife won’t have sex with me.

My husband isn’t interested so I masturbate and fantasize about other men, real or imagined, to meet my sexual needs.

May I be frank with you?

You are making up excuses to sin and trying to shift the blame to someone else. If your spouse never, ever again gives you sex you won’t die!!!

Yes, there may be a large part of your heart that will hurt. Yes, an aspect of intimacy will be missing, and the fullness of what God desires for you won’t be realized on this earth.

But that gives you NO permission to sin.

When I hear husbands and wives complain that their spouses won’t have sex with them, the truth is I want to find a way grab their spouses and smack them up side the head! It’s wrong. Sex is part of marriage. It’s healthy. It’s necessary.

But it is NOT terminal – not for you, not for your marriage – if it never happens again.

(The Bible says the only time to withhold sex is if you are fasting and praying… and trust me, if you are fasting and praying, especially about your marriage… at some point God will tell you to go fulfill you marital duty and go make passionate love with your spouse. It’s part of HIS plan.).

God provided sexual intimacy for us within the context of marriage, at least in part, so that we might experience a glimmer of the beauty and power of who He is and the oneness that can come from being united with another person and Himself. A vision of the Trinity. It is a good and glorious thing.

But God can reveal Himself to us through any means He wants. And because we know He wants to reveal Himself to us, if He can’t do it through sex, don’t worry… you haven’t tied the hands of God.

When you are tempted to sin, to lust, to fantasize, to have sex outside of biblical, one-man-one-woman marriage remember this:

Not having sex won’t kill you!

7 comments so far Uncovering God’s Hope in Everyday Life

Add your comment here

Blog(email, reader) Newsletter
  1. Carissa says:

    YES!!!!!!!!! You will NOT die if you never have sex. I HATE it when I hear people say, “No one can wait for sex. You just have to do it.” I waited 28 years for sex (with my HUSBAND!) and if I hadn’t gotten married, you’d still find me waiting because my life isn’t defined by sex!

    • Carla Anne says:

      Way to go, Carissa!! I think it is an important message to share because this is certainly counter-cultural!! Blessings!

  2. Kristen says:

    Hi Carla,
    I was lead to your blog after a friend re-posted your message about wearing bikinis. I’ve since been reading through some of your blogs with both interest and the critical eye that I’ve developed since leaving Christianity. Since I grew up in a strong God-fearing family and also intended to wait until marriage before having sex, I definitely understand what you’re saying.
    However, I didn’t wait and, lo and behold, HAVING sex before marriage is also not a terminal illness! I’m happy, healthy and well-adjusted. The choice to have sex has always been mine, I’ve never felt undue pressure from our culture or my partners and I’ve made smart decisions in spite of the unilateral view with which I was indoctrinated that sex before marriage is wrong and dirty and 5 minutes after signing a piece of paper it’s a magically wonderful gift.
    I have no problem with abstinence… in fact I encourage my younger sisters to wait. But I also tell them that I love them and the choice is theirs alone so I will be here for them if they ever have questions or need support. And despite your assertion that this is a highly counter-cultural resolution, I must contend that I disagree as I have many non-christian friends who are waiting for
    marriage or the right partner before having sex. Further, should my friends or family have feelings for same-sex partners, I will encourage them to find a partner who loves and supports them, not a partner just because they happen to be the opposite sex as them.
    Carla, I understand your point-of-view because I’ve been where you are. I’ve said your words and had your thoughts and it was so easy when the world was just that black-and-white. But Carla, it’s not.
    I really do respect your views and your freedom to express them. However, you mention that you have four children and I hope for their sakes that you can learn to be a more understanding person.

    Carla, I don’t believe there is a god and I still have a good, moral and fulfilling life. Therefore, I know that the obligations laid out by an (unprovable) supernatural being in an ancient and confusing book should not dictate our lives today. We should learn to think critically and make smart, rational and ethical decisions. That is the lesson you should pass on in your blog.
    Ultimately, I actually think that I’m less obsessed with sex than most Christians I know and I still enjoy pleasurable guilt-free umarried sex!

  3. I could write a lot here, but one thing I will say….it is very hard to really have the viewpoint that one can have morality and not have God.

    If so, where does the morality come from? From feelings in one’s heart? From our thoughts? From what we like and don’t like?

    That really is the question. The Bible says that God has written His laws on humanity’s heart and He has. We (non Christians and Christians alike) spend a lot of our time running away from Him.

    Anyway, I came from a non Christian home and now follow Christ, however imperfectly.

    But I do care that truth be presented for what it is.

    I am not a theologian so I’d love to hear your thoughts on this if you think I am wrong.

    Take care.

  4. Carla Anne says:

    HI Adrienne, It think you make some great points for Kristen. I’d also love to hear her answers.

    I completely agree that morality must be based on God. He is the One who has established the order of things and without Him it really is each to his own.

    It brings us then to the point where our culture is today – Each person says they can believe what’s “True” for them and turn away what they don’t like. It’s a pleasure based society. And the more pleasure-based a society gets the more evil and corrupt it becomes.

    I have friends who believe that they live moral lives separate from God. But what they fail to recognize is that they actually cannot, CANNOT divorce themselves from Him. They are made in His image and it is HIS law that is written on their hearts, never to be erased. Any morality that exists, exists because of God.

  5. Brandi says:

    HA HA HA I “luckily” find this (yay google) I just wanted to say first, that there is no such thing as a politically-correct subject. The BIGGEST reason everything is falling apart and messed up as bad as it is, is because we don’t talk about anything any more. Nothing is acceptable to talk about according to moron people. Yes, I do believe they say that such subjects are not politically-correct because they want to keep us from thinking for ourselves.

    Second no sex really? My mama always told me “You have to try it before you buy it.” (And what I’m trying right now, yeah I’m buying it.)
    Second part of Secondly. So just for the sake of this I’m find myself wondering. Okay so a couple is married what happens if the one of the partners can’t preform sexual what the is it still wrong because the can’t preform? Should they divorce and go find someone who can? Or will god just punish them for not performing lets face it god can make you gay but thats a sin, so why wouldn’t he?
    And you know what else its their relationship if they don’t want to have sex it is their right you know…regardless of being married or not a husband can still rape his wife…or would it not be rape because that is his property and her duty as a wife?

    And I have full respect for what ever religious beliefs you have. But honestly?!?!?! One man one woman if god made every one is his perfect image then why is it wrong thats just cruel and close minded. You just said hey if you are gay thats cool but hide the feelings, shut up and marry the other sex anyway. Because why? The bible? Come on people if god came down and handed me the damn book yeah i would go for it but come on it has been written over so long can you honestly say that from being translated it all got there correctly? Not only that but womens were not talking seriously back in the days long ago. So whats that say that god only spoke to men? I digress.
    P.S. being judgmental is a sin too.
    P.S.S. I know gay people and sinners (who isn’t now days?) who have been a million times a better person then those of faith.

    [inappropriate comment removed by admin]

    Sincerely, tired of hearing your religious guff

    Edited by admin as noted – keep it clean please

    • Carla Anne says:

      Hi Brandi, thanks for your comment! I agree… lots of things aren’t talked about. But we have to be careful… because there are some people, who when they disagree attack the person and not the issue. So although we do need to talk about these things, it really needs to be done respectfully and with intelligence or we lose credibility.

      Your Mama was right… there are some things that you should try before you buy… like a car, or trying on an outfit. That makes sense. But there are things you don’t try before you buy for good reason – just as food, or wrapping paper, or even your house! You may look, but you can’t use it until you buy it.

      With the dangers that can accompany sex outside of a monogamous marriage, such as STD’s, unplanned pregnancies, etc, it only makes sense that you would want to protect your body and your health, even your future ability to have children, by waiting until you know you are in a stable married relationship to not only enjoy the gift of sex, but also to do so without fear of any kind.

      Regarding what happens if a married couple can’t have sex because one of them can’t perform sexually, do I understand correctly that you think marriage cannot be fulfilling without sex and that sex is the only basis for marriage? If that is the case, then I’d agree, it would be a sad and sorry relationship. But the truth of the matter is that marriage is far more than sex. There are plenty of couples for whom sex is not possible and who still have vibrant and intimate relationships. Any marriage based on sexual performance is a horrific example of marriage.

      I didn’t understand much of what you said after that so I won’t comment except to say God loves marriage, God loves sex, and God loves to see married people enjoy sex. But when it can’t happen it is not the end of the world. Like I said, not having sex is not a terminal illness.

      You mentioned that if God came down and hand you a book you would go for it. And you see Brandi, God did that. He came down. He was called Jesus. And He gave us not only verification of all the texts that were a few thousand years old, but He confirmed them all with His deeds and words. Then He died because He loved you and me. The death was for forgiveness of all our sins. But it didn’t end there! He then came back to life and broke the power of death over our souls! So those who believe that Jesus is the Son of God, who choose to accept that forgiveness for themselves, and who choose to follow Him, benefit from His power in their lives now and will live for all eternity in heaven with Him.

      Brandi, welcome to my blog and thank you for leaving a comment.

Add your comment here